Kelce brothers’ Tremendous Bowl story is overblown, inconsequential

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, left, and his brother, Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce (62), exchange jerseys following an NFL football game — Kansas Metropolis Chiefs tight finish Travis Kelce, left, and his brother, Philadelphia Eagles middle Jason Kelce (62), trade jerseys following an NFL soccer recreation

Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place all is for naught and we’re however unintended jolts of electrified meat caught to the floor of a rock in an detached universe. Fuck you.

What’s a sports activities household if not a up to date monarchy? One member of a household makes a reputation for him/herself, and their sons, grandsons, brothers, sisters, daughters, and even nephews are elevated to the next stage of consciousness. The Kelce brothers aren’t even sons of Olympic athletes, and I’m good if I by no means learn one other Brotherly Love headline for the remainder of my life.

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Look, mommy, brothers are enjoying one another within the Tremendous Bowl

It’s actually onerous to take away the charisma from Travis and his brother, however each information outlet, sports activities or in any other case, is making it actually tough to care. It’s not so unbelievable that I must know their mum or dad’s names, or clap like a cheerful monkey whereas studying the ceaseless puff items.

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I’m presupposed to care about an offensive lineman as a result of he’s associated to the very best receiving tight finish within the NFL? I’m sorry, I thought this was America. We didn’t struggle the revolutionary struggle simply to observe hierarchies develop anew.

We have to overthrow the Manning household, or not less than drive them to skip a era. Arch, your scholarship is revoked and your enjoying profession is finished. Get able to be a banker or a rubbish man as a result of the Mannings’ reign atop ESPN’s newsfeed is over.

Have a look at Christian McCaffrey. Did the son of a professional receiver actually should be within the NFL, too? You realize who might use the help of a man-child? The steelworkers of America or whoever is in control of digging ditches. I used to be informed that Luke McCaffrey can be Nebraska’s subsequent Heisman quarterback, and he sucks. He’s not even a superb school receiver at Rice.

I guess that is how the English felt underneath King Henry XIII or no matter. That is your new chief, and his solely qualification is his final identify. Fuck all that.

Idol worshiping begins with a final identify

New rule: If you happen to’re not higher than the athlete who made you well-known, you need to change your final identify. Sorry, Sterling, you need to drop the Sharpe on account of Shannon. Hey, Cole Anthony, your new NBA identify is Cole Jones.

I’m undecided what occurs when the son eclipses the daddy like Steph Curry and Dell. Perhaps Dell and Seth should take their wives’ final names. Wait, that gained’t work. Seth is married to Doc Rivers’ daughter, and I don’t assume he’s ok to make use of that identify both.

Maybe adopting the Brazilian one-name technique is a workaround. Pele doesn’t have a final identify, and thus we don’t readily know his kids.

Any longer, there will likely be no extra nepotism. Guys are going to should earn it like Russell Crowe in Gladiator. You need glory? Kill a fucking tiger earlier than you bleed out from a knife wound after which deliver down the emperor in entrance of a Colosseum full of people that wish to see you gruesomely murdered for sport.

The offspring of professional athletes are born not solely with a silver spoon but additionally with golden genes. (OK, that’s not at all times the case, however for the sake of this column, it’s gospel.) Bronny James didn’t get all of his dad’s 6-foot-10 body, but he’s nonetheless tall and athletic sufficient to get a full journey to the faculty of his alternative.

Finish the hegemony. Cease elevating folks due to their final names. Am I the one one who remembers Marcus Vick? Haven’t we heard sufficient from Jackson Mahomes or Andy Reid’s youngsters? Assume first earlier than you roost within the household tree of sports activities royalty.

A reputation solely issues as a lot as you need it to, and for the Sports activities Nihilist, nothing issues.